Life with the Links
by Yoshia
Summary: A collection of random stories updated equally randomly that is focused on the everyday life of the Eight Links: Deku, Zora, Dark, Oni, Junior, Goron, Link, and Linda. Rated T just to be safe, I never know what I come up with.
1. Happy Father's Day!

Note: Short little one-shot made for the holiday today out of boredom. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not in any way, shape, or form own the rights to the Legend of Zelda nor the Mario franchise. I don't own Father's Day either. STAY AWAY, LAWYERS!

**Prologue**

Okay, this is for those of you who have never read any of my previous fics, but don't want to take the time to read them anyway. This will be concise, so for further information, I'd suggest you read _Link in Lorule _and _Eight Links._

Link is an adult, eighteen or so. At ten years of age, he had found and eventually adopted a younger boy who was so spookily similar to him, they couldpractically be twins, barring the age difference. The kid became named "Young Link," because Link wasn't at all original with names. Eventually Young Link started calling Link "Dad" for short, because he became a father figure to the kid.

Zelda calls Link a bajillion times a day for the dumbest of tasks, so there isn't much fondness for her. Once she does so, but to send him on a wild journey to the twisted land of Lorule, where he meets Linda, a female version of himself.

The other Links are copies from the games, figure them out yourself. Deku, Goron, Zora, Oni, and Dark, I call them, so that I won't have to type "Link" over and over again. "Junior" is Young Link's nickname. "Rocky" is Goron.

Deku is off living with his wife, the Deku Princess, in Termina. Zora is off living with Ruto in Zora's Domain. Oni, Dark, Junior, and Goron reside with Link. Linda kicked Mido out of his house, so she lives there now.

**Happy Father's Day**

Link woke up as usual, unaware of what day it was. The first reminder he got was Linda rushing in the door as if the house was on fire. "Hey, how are you? Got a good night's rest? I bet you feel like getting some fresh air! Let's go out and take a walk around Hyrule, how about it?"

Link was caught off-guard. "I didn't... I mean, I..."

"Good! Let's go!" Linda snatched his arm and virtually dragged Link out of the door, down the ladder, and out of Kokiri Forest. When the two disappeared, the rest of the Links rushed into the treehouse, carrying plenty of crates.

Out in Hyrule Field, Linda smiled, holding tightly to Link's arm. "Do you know what day it is?"

Link thought hard. He tried to recall why exactly Junior marked his Mushroom Kingdom calender with a bright red marker and plenty of sticky gold stars. How those little stars stayed on the paper, Link couldn't begin to understand. As for the special occasion traditionally celebrated on this day... he couldn't remember at all. Not even one letter. That reminded him – he needed to learn to read, also. "I dunno."

"Well, it's..." She got cut off by the shrill, high-pitched voice of the princess of Hyrule, Zelda.

"Link! GET OVER HERE, _NOW_!"

"Gosh, I hope it's not another 'Does this dress make me look fat?' emergency. Ignore her, Link. Let's... Link! What are you doing?" shouted Linda, who noticed her friend walking almost zombie-like away from her.

"Must... obey... Zelda's... commands..." he said in monotone while making a beeline for Hyrule Castle.

"_Link!_ Oh great. I hope Junior's doing better," Linda muttered.

() – () – ()

"This crate won't open!" Dark complained as he tugged on the lid.

Oni smirked at Dark. "You're just a wimpy shadow. Watch a _real_ man do this!" He balled up one fist, pulled it back, and slammed it into the crate with all of the force he could muster. A resounding _crack_ was easily heard.

"Um, Oni? I think the box is intact," pointed out Zora with surprise.

"OWWWWWWWW!" Oni hopped about, holding his hand and shouting at the tops of his lungs. "That box is unnatural! What in the names of the three goddesses is that thing made of?" The previous sentence would have been littered with curse words, but the presence of Junior in the room kept him restrained.

Everyone stared at the box. Deku was the first to speak up. "So, since Oni can't smash it open, what the (bleep) do we do now?" Goron slipped a hand up sheepishly. "Whaddya want, (bleep)hole?"

"I'm hungry."

All was silent except for the sounds of playing Kokiri and the nonstop mooing of Link's out-of-place cow, Bessie. Even Oni halted his pain-induced shouting to glare at the green-capped rock monster.

"What? I just wanted to say I was hungry."

Dark pointed at the crate. "Eat the wood. Leave what's inside to us."

"Sure!" Goron tore apart the crate easily as he feasted. The contents fell out and spilled across the floor in a mess of colors.

"Hey, it's the decorations! Good job, Rocky!" shouted Junior in delight. "Let's get to work, guys!"

() – () – ()

Link arrived at the throne of Princess Zelda, where he skipped the traditional bow and crossed his arms, all business. "I'm here. Where's the dragon I need to slay?"

Zelda giggled. "Oh, don't joke like that, Link! Why would I have you slay a dragon? If a dragon came around, I'd have you make it my pet!"

"Zelda, get to the point. Why'd you call me here? Are you going to send me on another insane quest to some country I don't even know and find a place even _more_ messed-up than Lorule and Origina?"

Linda huffed, coming up beside Link. "I resent that remark."

Zelda smiled upon noticing how offended Linda was. "No, although Lorule _was_ pretty backwards and strange, wasn't it?" she asked, picking her words carefully.

Link rolled his eyes, placing a restraining hand on Linda's shoulder. "Zelda..."

"Alright, alright. As you know, today is Father's Day," the ruler of Hyrule began.

"It is?"

"Of course it is, my sweet little nitwit. And obviously I have a father who I will celebrate today!"

"Who happens to be dead," commented Linda deadpan.

Zelda's right eye twitched slightly. "True, but at least I know who he was in the first place," she shot back.

Link sighed. "I don't know my dad either, Princess."

"I'm so sorry to hear that. As I was saying before Miss Interruption spoke up, I'm throwing a party in memory of my dear daddy, and you're invited. In fact, the party has already started. C'mon, Linky!" Zelda slid delicately off of her throne, gently took hold of Link's arm... and ran wildly down the hall into the ballroom. Linda tried to follow, but a squad of soldiers blocked her way.

"You're not invited," stated one of them.

"Says who?" snapped Linda irritably.

"We were specifically ordered by Her Royal Highness Princess Zelda to prevent Linda of Lorule from attending the festivities," replied another.

Linda in response draws her Dark Master Sword, a malicious intent gleaming in her eyes.

() – () – ()

Oni bandaged his hand slowly as the other Links worked on decorating the small room. Dark began painting the cow while Zora started to put up banners. Goron in his quest for nourishment started to eat the chair Zora was standing on, causing the amphibian to fall over and land on Oni's hand. The warrior yelped and lashed out, slamming his good fist into Deku's face, sending the little wooden man flying into Junior, who rolled into Dark, who tripped over Bessie and fell facefirst into his bucket of paint. An uproar and all-out melee followed.

() – () – ()

Link strolled across Hyrule Field aside Linda once again but with a concerned look on his normally happy-go-lucky face. "I know you wanted to party Linda, but you didn't have to personally maim all of the guards to do it!"

Linda laughed. "I didn't want to party, Link. I wanted to get you away from that stuffy place."

"...But I _like_ that stuffy place..."

Malon bounced up to the duo. "Hey, I was thinking of throwing a li'l party for my pop, and I figured you might like to come, Link," she said sweetly.

Linda nudged her friend. "Don't."

"I'd love to go! Let me say hi to Talon and the horses," Link spoke as he smiled.

"Certainly." Malon steered Link away from Linda and towards her farm. The left-behind female growled and stormed after them. '_This is beginning to be a disaster...'_

() – () – ()

"This is beginning to be a disaster..." remarked Junior as he untangled himself from Deku.

"You can say that again. This was my best tunic!" yelled Dark, gesturing to his paint-splattered and slightly torn clothing.

"He's not talking about that, Dark. We need to hurry up and put up the decorations before Link gets back," snapped Zora.

"Orange really suits you," sneered Oni at Dark, ignoring the fish man.

"No it doesn't! It totally clashes!" wailed Dark.

Deku rolled his eyes. "Quit being a girl and help. An orange cow doesn't look good anyway."

"I think it looks good..." volunteered Junior.

"That's because you came up with the idea, boy!" Dark responded hotly.

Oni threw a metal box of bandages at Dark, hitting a bull's-eye square in the middle of the forehead. "If the kid says it looks good, IT LOOKS GOOD!"

Goron blinked. "Are we arguing, or are we decorating?"

Zora thought for a second. "Y'know, I can swear that that's the first smart thing I've ever heard you say."

Goron blinked again. "It is?"

Junior sighed. "Let's continue setting this up, alright?"

All of them nodded and set to work – that is, except for Goron. He was too busy smashing and eating crates.

() – () – ()

Link tried not to fall asleep. He really, honestly tried. Talon's stories about how he got his ultra-special cuccos were not helping at all. Evidently, Talon believed that he should begin way back when he was five and get sidetracked every six minutes with another story completely irrelevant to the main one. Malon had her eyes wide open in interest, but Link betted a million rupees that listening to her father had taught her how to sleep with her eyes open.

Linda struggled to stay awake as well. She had fought her way past a wild gang of cuccos and stampeding horses to get here, but she made it. Just when she thought all was over, a hook slid into Link's collar and lifted him skyward. Linda looked up. "What the heck?"

Ruto laughed from the rooftop, for the others were gathered just outside the house. "I finally landed the big one!" she shouted, reeling in the love of her life.

Linda jumped up and yelled, "Link! Why aren't you doing anything?" She realized why when a drop of spit landed on her head. "Eww... Link, please don't tell me you're drooling..."

Malon pointed. "He's asleep!"

Ruto laughed again. "I'm going to take him to _my_ Father's Day celebration, and you're not going to stop me!" She leaped from the rooftop out of the ranch, running quite fast for a fish out of water.

Linda practically roared as she gave chase.

() – () – ()

Junior reviewed the Links' work with satisfaction. "Good job. Now all we need is the cake. Where's that box?" Suddenly, a _splat_ could be heard, and Goron's "uh-oh" didn't make matters any better.

"I think we found it," snickered Deku, pointing at the mess on the floor.

"Aww, man! And that was specially ordered too! What're we gonna do now?"

"Make mud pies?" suggested Dark sarcastically.

"...Hey, that's a good idea."

Oni snatched Dark by his half orange tunic's front. "Ever heard of keep your mouth shut?"

Dark smiled innocently. "I have now."

By then, Junior had disappeared to gather some other Kokiri for help in making the mud pies.

() – () – ()

"Link, isn't this the best party you've _ever_ been to in your entire life?" cooed Ruto.

"No, because you're shoving _sashimi_ down my throat!" yelled Link. He promptly regretted it as another piece of raw fish landed in his mouth.

(Thanks to Kaenryu for the tip - _sushi_ has many different forms, all of which contain rice; _sashimi_ is raw seafood... such as fish. I looked it up just in case.)

"Oh, I know you love fish. Don't try to hide it, tadpole," she giggled.

Linda eyed her. "Aren't you married to Zora?"

"Oh, I know that's just Link in a cute little costume to impress me! But really, he already won my heart when he took the Zora Sapphire from me," Ruto sighed.

"I hate my life." Link crawled under the table.

"Ooh, wanna play hide-and-seek, Linky? I'll count to three and you hide. I never lost at this!"

"I can understand why," Linda said, unamused. Ruto turned around, which allowed Linda to reach under the table, grab Link by the seat of his tunic, and flee out of Zora's Domain.

"One... two... three!" Ruto turned again. "Hey... COME BACK!"

() – () – ()

Oni paced on the balcony outside of Link's house. "Linda should've brought Link back by now... what's taking them so long?" He spotted the two coming over and headed inside. "They're here! Don't screw up or your hide is _mine!_"

Goron tilted his head to one side. "What's a hide?"

Zora complained, "But Junior hasn't come back with the cake yet!"

"We'll have to make do without it," said Oni as he awkwardly hid. The room tensed as the occupants heard Link and Linda go up the ladder and entered the room.

"...Why is Bessie orange?"

"SURPRISE!" shouted everyone in the room. "Happy Father's Day!"

Link was so surprised by the sudden shouting that he backed up, fell down the ladder, and landed on Junior's mud pie. "Dad... you ruined it..." sniffled Junior. "I made that just for you."

Link sat up and started wiping mud off of himself. "Don't worry about it. I finally figured out what's going on today."

"Really?"

"Yup. It's my birthday! How'd you figure out when it was?"

And everyone in Hyrule facefaulted.

() – () – ()

**HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!**


	2. Companionship

Note: I _am_ working on _Eight Links_ and _Minora's Mask_, but I got this idea from my sis and I couldn't resist writing it.

Second Note: Hey, wrote this in about an hour! Cool!

Disclaimer: Of course, I don't own the rights to Legend of Zelda.

**Companionship**

Linda drew back her arrow, aimed carefully, and let it go. Perfect bull's-eye. She kneeled down to the kid beside her. "See, Junior? That's how a pro shoots an arrow. Let me see you try it now."

"But... your arrow's in the way," pointed out the ten-year-old.

"True." Linda strode the short distance to the marked tree and jerked out her arrow. Returning to Junior's side, she instructed, "Now, try to do what I did. Hit the circle right in the middle."

Junior attempted to imitate Linda, but he thought it was unnecessary. Link had already taught him how to shoot. Linda forced him to listen to her, though. Junior let the arrow fly, and it hit its mark... well, almost.

Linda walked to the target and stared at it. "You missed," she declared.

"What? It hit the circle!"

"But you're one millimeter off dead center."

"Linda!" whined Junior just as his adoptive father approached from behind.

"Linda?"

The woman spun, immediately noting that Link didn't seem his usual self. His hands were holding something within them, but he was covering it in such a way as to allow no sight of it. His eyes were lowered as if in sadness, and his overall disposition was that of dispair. "Link?" responded Linda. "What's wrong?"

"Can I talk to you for a second?" he asked in a small voice, unlike his usual perky one.

"Junior, could you go practice somewhere else for now?"

Junior smiled widely. "I'M FREE!" he yelled as he ran away to a group of Kokiri which included Mido. (Oh boy.)

Linda approached Link slowly. "What's the matter?"

"Let's sit down on that log over there."

"Okay." Linda sat, concern welling up within her. Something was definitely wrong. Either that, or Link was a very good actor.

Link sat as well beside her, still clasping the mysterious object in his hands. "Y'know, Linda, I noticed something," he began.

"What?"

"I noticed that despite Navi's company – you know, all the Links – I've been feeling kinda... lonely."

Linda became curious where he was leading with this. "Lonely? In what way?"

"I think I'm missing something from my life. I think I need someone else to be with me all the time... well, there's Navi, but... you know what I mean?"

Linda tried to put the pieces together. He's holding something in his hand, something he obviously didn't want her to see just yet. He was mentioning loneliness and a void in his life. He wanted to talk to her alone, without Junior. What did it all mean? "I... I'm not sure..."

Link shifted a little, as if trying to figure out what next to say. "I need companionship, Linda. I need someone to tell everything to, someone who I can trust to keep my secrets what they are – secrets. I need someone who can understand me, what I'm going through, what I'm feeling. I need someone who can comfort me when I need it, to be there when I need her. I think I found the perfect girl."

"You... did?" stuttered Linda, who suddenly put it all together. Her excitement grew as she guessed at what Link was holding so carefully.

A shout erupted at the group of Kokiri youngsters. "ONI DAD!" Immediately, Oni plowed right past Link and Linda, breaking the tension, and leaped straight into the crowd where he needed to deal out some moral punishment. Link swiveled his head to watch the action, forgetting what he was doing.

Linda reached over and tapped Link lightly on the shoulder. When he didn't respond, she nudged him. No response required an even harder nudge, which ended up more like a push. Link turned again to look at her. "Huh?"

"Link, who's the girl you were talking about?" Linda asked nervously.

"Oh, yeah. Well, she's right here with me," Link answered.

Linda nearly squealed with happiness. "She is?"

"Uh-huh." Link brightened, thrusting his hands forward and unveiling what was within them. "LIZZIE!"

Linda screamed at the sight of a lizard clasped between Link's hands. The little reptile blinked at her, and Link did the same. Linda scooted back until she fell off the log she was sitting on. "What in the world?"

"I found out I needed a pet!" explained Link happily. "I found her and named her Lizzie! Isn't she the cutest little lizard?" He hugged the animal to his cheek.

Linda put on a look of utter disgust. "A lizard? You realized you needed a lizard?" she nearly screamed.

"Yup. She's gonna be my best friend, and she'll be with me all the time! Look, she can even talk! Say my name, Lizzie."

"Yink!" answered the small creature.

"Good girl!"

Linda stared at the two. "It said 'Yink'... not 'Link'..."

"It's a start," said Link as he continued to fawn over his new pet.

Linda grew furious, about as mad as Oni was at Mido. "LINK!"

() – () – ()

Note: What in the world did you think he was talking about? Oh, and Lizzie'll feature in the next chapter too.


	3. Dragons and Lizards and Links, Oh My!

Note: Lizzie was introduced last chapter. True, _Life with the Links_ is a collection of one-shots, but I wanted to put down yet another idea. Plus, not all of these chapters will be super-long or super-short.

Second Note: I'm losing interest in and fanfic writing. I'm not saying I'm quitting the site. I may write more when I feel like it, but it will be much less often. Most likely this will be the fanfic updated the most, since it isn't based on a plot or anything.

Disclaimer: Me no own. Me try figure out how "cumpyooter" works.

**Dragons and Lizards and Links, Oh My!**

Linda stood a few feet away from where Link was doling out affection on his newfound pet. He had presented the lizard to everyone else in Kokiri Forest, and the only two who disagreed with the idea were Mido and Linda herself. She glared harder when Junior came over to play with Lizzie also.

'_What does he see in that slimy thing? It's a hideous purple creature with lighter purple markings. He decided that 'Lizzie' is better than... well, me? I don't understand him! How could he choose such a horrendous-looking animal for a pet? It's not even cute. It has to be evil, sent from Ganondorf. I mean, it's something Ganondorf would do, right? I'd better kill it before he gets too attached to it.'_ Suddenly, Linda paused in her thoughts. '_I'm getting jealous of a lizard. What's wrong with me?'_

Lizzie yawned, prompting Link to point out to his younger counterpart, "Look, she's sleepy!" He placed the palm-sized animal under his hat.

Linda couldn't stand it any longer. She marched over to where Link was and demanded, "Why'd you put her there?"

"It's her bed, see?" Link lifted his headwear to reveal Lizzie nesting comfortably in his hair.

"Eww! Isn't that unhealthy?"

"No. She's clean. I gave her a bath this morning. She was splashing around in her cute little way! Did you know she can swim?"

Linda groaned loudly. "I don't care."

"And I washed my hair recently, so I don't know how it's bad for her health," Link continued.

"Link, I meant _your_ health!"

"Oh. Well, lizards don't have fleas. They don't have fur. I don't think she's sick. She'll never give me a sickness though, 'cause she _loves_ me too much, right Lizzie?"

The little lizard answered with a quick "Yink!" just before snuggling up and falling asleep.

"Aww, isn't she cute?" asked Link as he put back on his hat. "Hey, Linda, where're you going?"

"Somewhere away from your pet!"

() – () – ()

"Ganny, are you planning something again?" asked Koume of her son.

Ganondorf turned from his perusal of yet another ancient text. "I have found a spell to take control of Link. It will home in on his brain, so it can't miss! With Link under my control, I can use him to take over Hyrule!"

"Uh-huh, take control of Link. How so?"

"I'll turn him into an immense fire-breathing Dinolfos! He'll terrify everyone into submitting to me!"

"Ganny," interrupted Kotake before the sorceror could get into the full swing of his speech. "Dinolfos already breathe fire."

"Huh? Oh, whatever. I'll turn him into an immense Dinolfos. Even better, what if he had more than one element – you know, could breathe more than just fire? He could ice Zora Bay and Death Mountain while he's rampaging!" Ganondorf swung his arms for emphasis.

"...Ganny, stick to the original Dinolfos. It'll be easier."

"Oh, fine. Restrict my creativity." Ganondorf turned a page in the book and began the spell.

() – () – ()

Link merrily polished his Mirror Shield, whistling a happy tune. He had been feeling much better since Lizzie came into his life. The lizard stayed nestled in his hair, fast asleep, as Link continued his task. A reflection on the surface caught his eye. Apparently a red bolt was snaking its way to him from behind and far above.

Yelping, Link leapt off of his perch and ran, hanging onto his cap with one hand. He ran around kids, through buildings, over logs, under tunnels, and collected five rupees from leaping across the rocks in front of the waterfall. The red bolt followed his every move, going around kids, through buildings, over logs, and under tunnels. Link tried losing it in the Lost Woods to no avail. It persisted in following him exactly, even to the point of bouncing when he jumped.

Link reached the Sacred Forest Meadow and was trapped. He turned and faced his pursuer. "What do you want from me?" he demanded just as the bolt flew skyward, then plummeted onto his head.

() – () – ()

"Dad, what happened?" asked Junior when he spotted his father slowly making his way out of the Lost Woods.

Link looked at him, on the verge of tears. "Something's wrong with Lizzie. She's not waking up." He held out the seemingly lifeless lizard in the palms of his hands. "I tried everything, even singing her favorite song to her. She won't wake up."

Everyone at Kokiri Forest seemed to sympathize with Link. Well, everyone except for Mido and Linda, of course. Link made his way to his house and put her onto his pillow. Dark patted Link on the back. "Don't worry, she's not dead. Look, she's breathing. She'll make it, believe me."

"I hope so. I wonder what that red thing was that was chasing me?"

() – () – ()

Ganondorf stared in disbelief at his crystal ball. "Don't tell me I missed. Why isn't Link transforming into a huge monster bent on world destruction?"

"I don't know," answered Koume. Her sister was reading the book Ganondorf had taken the spell from.

Kotake shrugged. "It doesn't say here how long it'll take. Maybe we should wait a day or so."

Ganondorf sighed. "Alright. I'll check on my to-be minion tomorrow."

() – () – ()

Night fell, and Linda entered Link's house only to spot him kneeled next to the bed, beside the pillow, hands clasped. Linda raised an eyebrow. "Link, what're you doing?"

"I'm praying for Lizzie."

Linda threw up her hands in exasperation. "Oh dear goddesses!"

"Exactly!"

The next morning, Linda found Link in nearly the same position, but his head rested on the bed, eyes closed in sleep. There was a difference in the scene, however: The animal on the pillow was much bigger. Her body shape was somewhat different as well, reminding her of a certain creature. "Link, _there's a dragon on your bed!_"

Link jerked up his head and opened his eyes. "Huh? Dragon?"

The creature brought up her head as well, blinking, and then greeted with a familiar, "Yink!"

"Oh my goddesses, Lizzie! You've grown!" shouted Link as he hugged Lizzie's now longer neck. She responded by wagging her powerful tail from side to side, nearly breaking the wall. Linda continued to stare.

"Link, she's a _dragon!_ She can kill you!"

"She wouldn't hurt me. Besides, she isn't completely a dragon. I should know, I've seen a few. Where are your wings, Lizzie?"

The dragon-lizard flapped wings that were far too small for her size. "Yink!"

Oni came downstairs. "Okay, what's all the commotion about?"

Link pointed excitedly like a five-year-old at show-and-tell. "Lizzie's half dragon! Look at her, she's _big!_"

Oni went by the bed. "I'll admit, a lizard for a pet is not my style. But a dragon? Great job picking out a pet, Link!" He picked up Lizzie, who was by now half his size and thus quite heavy. "A purple striped dragon, now _that's_ cool!"

Junior came downstairs and reacted the same way as Link. Linda was not that enthusiastic over the prospect, however. "She's gonna get much bigger, don't you think?"

Link shrugged. "She can sleep on the floor."

"Aww," whined Lizzie. "Yizzie wanna be with Yink."

"Alright then, you can sleep on my bed!"

Oni blinked. "When could she speak like that?"

Link noticed that Oni was right. "Her brain must've gotten bigger too, I guess. Hey, girl. Try to breathe fire!"

Lizzie took in a deep breath and let out a mighty... puff of smoke.

"It's okay. You're only a little dragon-lizard for now. Later you can try again!" Link said reassuringly.

Meanwhile, Linda felt left out of the action, so she exited the house. When she got to _terra firma_, she slid down to her knees. "Why, goddesses? Why must you torment me like this?"

() – () – ()

"What?" Ganondorf's voice echoed throughout the corridors of his immense castle. He clutched his crystal ball tightly, threatening to break it with his bare hands.

"Looks like you missed after all, Ganny," intoned Kotake.

"How could this be? The spell was directed to hit Link on his head! How could it have missed him?"

"Looky here, Ganny," said Koume as she brought over the book. She opened a drawer and brought forth from within it a remote control. Pressing the rewind button, she brought the scenes within the crystal ball to the previous day. "When Link was struck, he had the lizard under his hat. According to this book, the spell affects different species in different ways."

"So while it changes Hylians to Dinolfoses, it changes lizards to dragons? That's... that's... I DEMAND MY MONEY BACK!"

Koume held up a hand to quiet the infuriated sorcerer. "But think of it. There are plenty of other lizards in Hyrule. This spell creates dragons that have greater intelligence than what they had before. You can potentially use that to your advantage."

Ganondorf paused, musing on that fact. "I might use that. I'll put that on my list of potential world domination plans."

"You're not going to use it right now?"

"No. Right now I'm going to call my lawyer and sue whoever wrote that book."

() – () – ()

Linda watched as everyone in Kokiri Village, young and old alike, were taking turns getting "Lizzie rides." The wings were too small for flight, but in a matter of hours Lizzie had grown big enough to be ridden upon. She watched as Junior took his turn on the dragon-lizard. Link came Linda's way, but she pretended to not notice him.

He stopped in front of her. "You're not angry about Lizzie, are you?" Link asked out of the blue.

"What? Me, jealous? Nope, not at all!" Linda quickly denied.

"I didn't ask if you were jealous. I asked if you were angry."

"I'm not angry, I'm JEALOUS!" she snapped before realizing what she said.

Link scratched the back of his head in confusion. "Wait, I thought you said you _weren't_ jealous..."

"Nevermind, pretend I didn't say anything."

"But, how can I pretend you didn't do something you did?"

"Forget about it, Link."

"How can I forget something that just happened?"

"Leave me alone!" Linda turned around, furious at his very evident lack of brain cells.

Link instead came closer, kneeling by her out of curiousity. "But why are you jealous of Lizzie?"

"I'M NOT JEALOUS!"

"But you just said you were."

"No, I said I wasn't."

"I'm confused," stated Link as his brain underwent a mini meltdown.

Linda glanced at him, and upon seeing the blank look on his face, her mood lifted. "Aww, you're so cute when you're clueless." She leaned towards him, but noticed that he had run away in a near-panic.

Later that day, Link patted Lizzie on the head affectionately. "I don't understand women. They say one thing but mean another. I'm glad you're my best friend, Lizzie, instead of... her."

"Yink!"


	4. The Perfect Christmas Gift

Note: I respect that some people don't celebrate Christmas, but hey, I do. (smiles)

Second Note: Yes, a Christmas special. You should have been expecting it!

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1. I don't own Mario or Santa Claus either... wait, who owns Santa?

**Perfect Christmas Gift**

December twenty-fourth started like any normal day in the life of Linda. She sat up and stretched on her bed within what was formerly Mido's house, then wrapped her blanket around her shoulders against the cold. Central heating was unheard of in Hyrule (or any related countries thereof). She stood, changed, and headed towards the door, where there were sounds of laughter and fun. As soon as she opened it, a flying ball of white smacked her straight in the face, and even more laughter can be heard.

Linda wiped the cold, already partially melted snow from her face and eyed the perpetrator: Dark. He, Junior, Oni, and Link himself were playing about in the snow that blanketed Kokiri Forest with the other Kokiri. Or rather, instead of playing, they were having what could be considered more violent than a snowball fight. It looked more like a snow war.

Oni had converted his team's hiding spot into a massive snow fort. He had turned the area directly in front of it into a no man's land. Any Kokiri who dared step into that land was instantly barraged by dozens of snowballs prepared behind the towering wall.

On the other side was Junior's ragtag team. Their only protection was a big mound of snow behind which everyone huddled, rapidly stocking on snowballs. They discussed battle strategies, wondering if someone would be brave enough to remind Oni that this was a mere game, not an actual battle.

Linda watched as Saria bounced over, holding a strange thing that looked somewhat edible.

"Merry Christmas Eve, Linda! Want some of my homemade fruit cake?" the little Kokiri sage asked brightly, holding up the mass of (perhaps) food.

Linda paused, staring at it. "Christmas... Eve? What's that?" The second question was apparently more directed towards the cake than the holiday.

"You don't know what Christmas is?"

Link bounced over, unhindered by the fact that he was completely covered in snow due to trespassing Oni's "no crossing zone." "How can she _not_ know about Christmas? _Everybody_ celebrates it in Hyrule!"

"Hyrule, Link... key word there," Linda pointed out, crossing her arms. "So what is this Christmas about? Apparently Sheikah don't celebrate it."

"Of course Sheikah do."

"_Lorulian_ Sheikah, Link!"

"But the Gerudo celebrate it too, right?" Link attempted, thinking. He gasped in a sudden revelation that is uncommon in his brain. "Your goddesses didn't copy us with that!" He did a happy dance.

Up in the heavens above, the Lorulian goddesses took great offense from that comment. Uryan shook her fist, yelling, "Of course we did! We have Hanukkah!"

Anyway, that has no relation to this story I am relating. Link continued doing his happy dance while Saria tried to explain Christmas to Linda. "Now, Mario told us about this celebration, where a fat man named Santa Claus comes around on his sleigh pulled by eight Yoshies, and he gives presents to everyone who has been good all year. If you haven't been good, he gives coal."

"That's what it's all about?" Linda asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Not really. That's the story told to the kids, like us! Three cheers for youth!" Saria shouted, and all of the Kokiri joined in shouting, "Hip hip hooray!"

Link blinked, pausing in his dancing. "Then what is it all about?"

Saria smiled. "It's about being with family and friends, giving more than you get, and all around goodwill to everyone! But screw all that, we get presents!" She ran off, leaving behind her fruit cake to join the snow war.

Linda looked down at the strange substance and set it aside. "Seriously, what is it about? Just make it really simple."

"Presents! And lots of it!" Link answered easily, throwing his hands up in the air. "Don't you ever get presents?"

"Well... not really. The Sheikah were strict, so we didn't have any real fun at all."

"Aww." If Link's ears could droop, they would. "You should get a present. I know, we'll all find you the perfect gift for Christmas, so that you'd know what it's really about! And that's tomorrow, so we should hurry!" He wore a record-breaking smile on his face.

Linda looked surprised. "The perfect gift? What would that be?"

"I dunno, but that's what we'll find out! Hey Oni!" Link called, and in reply he was thrown a very large snowball... or perhaps it would be more accurately described as a snow missile.

Goron peeked over the fortress's frozen wall. "Oops."

Oni looked over at Goron, shouting, "I didn't tell you to throw that, soldier! For that, you are officially no longer part of my army!" He picked up Goron easily and threw him over the wall. As soon as he touched – or rather, slammed into – the ground, he was pelted by hundreds of snowballs.

"No, evil rocks that disappear!" Goron panicked and climbed into Link's treehouse to escape the magical frail rocks.

Link shook off the snow easily. "Um, guys? Linda doesn't know what Christmas is, so we should all get her the perfect gift!"

Oni raised his head over his team's wall. "Not while I'm in this war." Suddenly, he was hit by a snowball. "Ack, I'm hit!" He ducked back down as the children giggled.

"Oni, it's a snowball _fight_, not a snow _war_, for the last time!" Junior yelled.

Once the havoc had ceased – only because Junior put up a white flag and admited "defeat" to the victorious Oni – Link re-explained the situation to his six extra counterparts. Zora and Deku were there because of the Christmas season... and they wanted to get away from their wives for individual reasons.

Goron nodded. "I know the perfect gift for her!"

Everyone shook their heads. "We know, Goron."

The rock thing rolled off to go fetch his gift, soon followed by everyone else.

() – () – ()

Christmas arrived in Hyrule, and all of the children shouted with joy when they saw that Santa had come around. Presents were piled at every door, and parents proudly pointed out the sleigh and Yoshi tracks left behind by this figure (who actually was paid to do so, but that's not the point).

This is not the case in Kokiri Forest, however. Instead, presents were piled high in front of the overly decorated Deku Tree for all of the Kokiri to fetch for themselves when they wake up. Link told Linda this and pulled her over with all of the force of a child trapped in an adult's body.

"See, this is _my_ present!" Link declared, holding out a wrapped box then holding it to his chest happily. "Santa must've known I was good this _whole_ year!"

Junior dove into the pile of presents and pulled out his several gifts. He was not the only one, however. He was joined by his fellow Kokiri in taking their individual presents.

Of course, the presents that "Santa" gave everyone did not have to be all they got that day. If they wished, the Kokiri would give each other gifts themselves. Thus, seven Links headed to Linda's house to personally hand her their versions of what they figured was the perfect gift.

Goron went first. He held out a package. "Here you go!" he announced proudly.

Linda picked it open and was surprised at its content. "A fish?"

"Yup. I realized that you don't like rocks, so I gave you something I think you like!"

Linda flopped the fish to one side and awaited her next gift, which came from Deku.

"I don't care about Christmas, so let me get this overwith. Happy holiday." He gave her a Deku nut.

"...Um, thanks, I guess." Linda set that aside as well.

"Ooh, ooh, me next! Me next!" called out Junior, who waved his package impatiently. "I got you something great!"

Linda accepted Junior's wrapped box and tore it open. "...A stuffed version of Link?"

Junior's eyes welled up with tears at the tone in her voice. "Y-You don't like it!"

"No, no, I love it!" Linda said a moment too late.

"I gave it to you because I thought you would like it, since you like Dad so much!" Junior wailed in dismay. Oni patted Junior a bit roughly in an attempt at comfort.

Link poked at his stomach. "I'm stuffed?"

Zora cleared his throat. "Now, that might be _close_ to perfect, but it's not perfect enough. What I'm giving is perfect! Lifetime pass to my band's concerts plus backstage access! You know you want to hear us sing, Linda!"

Linda looked at the pass. "Hey, this _is_ nice, and the Link doll too, I guess."

Oni strode forward confidently. "This will beat all of you! Here, a new sword, with a lifetime guarantee!"

"Um, thanks?" Linda took it hesitantly. "What about my Dark Master Sword?"

"You need a change of pace. Link has several swords, why don't you?"

Link looked at Oni in confusion. "I do?"

Dark stepped forth, holding an envelope. "And now for my gift, which is the most perfect of all." With a highly unnecessary flourish, he pulled out the envelope's content. "A gift certificate! You can buy what _you_ want!"

Deku's jaw dropped... if it could. "Cheater! Why didn't I think of that?"

Dark smirked. "Because only smart people like me could. Besides, dark people of a feather stick together, right, Linda?" With that comment, he put an arm across Linda's shoulders.

"First, arm off. Second... I'm not that dark any more."

Link shuffled forward. "Well, everyone's gotten you good gifts so I don't know if this'll do, but... I got you a mistletoe."

The other six Links excluding Link himself and Linda looked surprised. "A _mistletoe_?"

"Yeah, the guy I bought it from said you get kisses by it. It doesn't seem to work though, maybe only for women? I got it because I noticed you like kisses for some strange reason, Linda, so here, have it!" Link handed it to her.

Linda shrugged off Dark's arm – he didn't move it when she told him to – and accepted the final gift. "Wow... Link, really? But... it's not really working."

Oni rolled his eyes. "Put it over your head!"

Linda slowly lifted it over her head, and Dark immediately jumped at her.

"ARGH!"


	5. Advice Mishaps, Part 1

**Note: **Yes, I am alive and well. Lack of inspiration and motivation are the only things I can honestly say have kept me from writing anything. However, I finally got this idea, hope you like it.

**Note 2: **This chapter is fairly short. This was done intentionally, so I can actually update a little at a time. I have more than this already written but I cut it off where I thought was a good point. This might even evolve into a fanfiction of its own rather than chapters to an already existing fic.

**Note 3: **Ideas and suggestions are welcome through EMAIL ONLY, since the rules prohibit them in reviews. I would love to know what you think should happen next, and if you think you can come up with a better title.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own them. Well, I own Linda. But that's it. Bow down to the mighty Nintendo lords who created the other characters.

**Advice Mishaps, Part 1**

Link was doing his best to ignore. Unfortunately, that seemed to encourage her to talk more! He watched the clouds roll by as Linda chatted his pointed ears off, constantly barraging him with questions. He never bothered to answer them of course. Both doing nothing and answering her questions seemed to have the same effect: _she kept talking_. Even Navi wasn't this bad. 

Later that day, Link, free from the suddenly-conversational Linda, walked over to Dark. The latter was sitting on a log, reading some sort of magazine. Link guessed that it had something to do with women, Dark's favorite subject currently, so that would help somewhat. Link sat down next to the shadow and asked, "What are you reading?"

Dark jumped slightly, "Whoa! I didn't see you coming. I'm reading... a magazine."

"I know that. Which one?"

"You wouldn't care anyway, would you?"

"Good point," Link said. "Anyway, I need your help."

Dark's red orbs that were supposed to be eyes lit up. "Really? That's a change. Usually I'm in the way."

"It's about Linda," Link clarified.

Dark chuckled, "Is she getting on your nerves still? I wonder when she will give up."

"That's exactly it! I want her to quit chasing me all over the place, bugging me with all this 'romance' stuff when I don't care!" Link scowled. "My usual 'Idiot Mode' isn't working anymore. I need a plan to throw her off, to get her to leave me alone."

Dark considered. "Have you tried ignoring her?"

"Tried today. Didn't work. She kept talking, and talking, and talking!"

"Acting as if she's the most interesting person in the world? Maybe the extra attention would turn her off."

"That was last week. That made the situation worse."

Dark thumbed through the pages of his magazine thoughtfully. "I guess you'll have to be direct then."

"Huh?"

"You have to tell her up front, exactly what you think and how you feel. Say that you don't like her, you'll never care about her the way she wants you too, everything. That should get her to leave you alone."

"But..." Link's face twisted in thought. _'It could theoretically work. Telling her up front might get her to realize that all of her efforts were in vain.'_

He had to ask one question. "But, wouldn't that hurt her feelings?"

"That's the point. She would realize you plan to be a bachelor for life, and then she can move on. Maybe she'd find somebody else to flirt with... someone like me," Dark said, grinning.

Link huffed. That was predictable. _'Ever since Dark started showing an interest in women, he had been trying to win Linda's affection. The problem with that was, just like everything else Dark had shown interest in, this was most likely just a phase that he's going through. Like the porn, videogaming, television, cross-dressing.'_ Link shuddered at the last one. '_Hopefully Dark will never do that again.'_

The subject of Link's thoughts interrupted them when he resumed reading an article in the magazine and asked, "So, are you going to tell her directly?"

Link's chain of thoughts having been broken, he nodded. "Yeah, that should work."

* * *

Meanwhile, Linda was outside of Kokiri Village, pacing near to the rock-hard imitation of Link that was named Goron. She was deep in thought, trying to figure out exactly what went wrong this morning, why Link didn't respond to her chatting. Unfortunately, it was hard to find good advisors that did not want a fortune, and the kids of the village would not be helpful. Linda did not want to run the risk of running into Link before getting some sort of advice from someone, so she walked outside, discovering Goron, who was gathering rocks and arranging them in strange ways. 

"Goron?" she ventured.

The... mentally challenged hunk of living rock grunted and kept moving the rocks around.

Assuming the grunt to be acknowlegement, Linda continued. "Goron, I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I've tried everything! I've tried talking more to him in all kinds of ways. I tried getting us alone as much as possible so he could have time to get to know me better. I even tried flirting with him in the most obvious ways... and not so obvious ways. What should I do?"

Goron grunted again, picked up a rock, inspected it carefully, gnawed at it a little, examined it some more, then placed it apart from some other groupings.

"I'm not sure what to think about Link anymore. I like him, sure, but I can't tell whether he's really an idiot like you - no offense - or if he's just pretending! He is so confusing - like last week, Link was giving me all this attention, it felt like he actually wanted to be with me. I _loved_ it! After two days of that he suddenly distanced himself again. Just today he wasn't listening when I was talking to him about everything - even confessing that I really liked him. What is with him?"

Goron made some strange noise as he picked up the same rock and quizzically stared at it, as if he hadn't heard a thing Linda had said.

Linda brightened all of a sudden, "That's it! I'll give him back exactly what he gave me! I will ignore him all day today and tomorrow. Maybe then he will finally realize how much he really needs my attention! Thanks Goron!" She skipped away, back to the village.

Goron looked up, "You're welcome?" The thanks was all he had heard. He was too busy sorting the rocks by composition to hear anything at all. He returned to attempting to place the one he was holding. It was the most puzzling thing he had ever seen.

* * *

_Remember, suggestions for what should happen next will only be accepted if they are E-MAILED to me. Thank you, now please review!_


	6. Advice Mishaps, Part 2

**Note: **Interesting, only one review. Thanks Winged Knight for being a faithful reader! Now for a continuation of last chapter. Things can only get better for now.

**Note 2: **Remember, if you come up with some ideas for this, send an e-mail. Otherwise read on and review, please and thank you!

**Disclaimer: **See last chapter. Keep bowing to those Nintendo lords.

**Advice Mishaps, Part 2**

Link woke up the next day, stretching in his bed before opening his eyes to the sunrise. When he finally did, he yelped. Dark was standing over him, smiling. "Morning!"

Link feigned a punch, "You nearly gave me a heart attack!" He sat up, straightening the tunic he had especially for sleeping.

Dark chuckled, "So, are you going to tell Linda off today?"

Link nodded as he got out of bed. "Yeah, yeah. I couldn't sleep much last night; I kept thinking about all the different ways to tell her."

Dark shrugged. "It'll come naturally to you. Just tell her and leave before she punches you."

"Or runs me through," Link added. "She doesn't have a sword for nothing." He changed instantly into his familiar green suit.

"True. Might want to have your shield out just in case then." Dark and Link joined Oni and Junior at the table to eat breakfast, then Link went out to confront Linda.

* * *

The female Link stared herself down in the mirror. She had avoided Link completely the day before, but today would be different. Link could approach and say anything he wanted, but she would ignore him. Not even hear a word he would say. That's right. She could do this. Don't even respond with a hello or a good morning. She jumped and nearly knocked the mirror to the ground when a someone knocked her door. 

Of course, there were no doorbells in Hyrule.

Linda walked over to her front door and opened it. To her dismay, it was Link. "Linda," he began, but she promptly turned and walked away from him.

So far so good.

Link blinked in surprise. This was unexpected. He followed after her, "Hey, I gotta talk to you!" Linda was making herself a sandwich in the kitchen, so Link walked up and tried again. "Linda."

The woman finished making the sandwich and stuck a corner in her mouth, biting off a chunk as she walked out of the kitchen and through the front door.

Link continued to follow her, "Hey! Linda! Will you just stop and listen to me?"

Linda kept eating and walking. This was fairly easy right now.

* * *

Dark stood on Link's porch, watching as Linda polished her shield and sword and Link stumbled his way through some sort of confession of his disinterest. It was apparent that Linda wasn't listening. She kept polishing despite all that Link was saying, humming a tune. 

Oni walked up and stood next to Dark. "How much you want to bet on this?" he asked.

Dark chuckled, "I bet fifty rupees that Linda will crack."

"I bet you five hundred that Link will give up."

"You're on."

* * *

Linda smirked. Her plan seemed to be working. Link had been dogging her for half a day now, constantly trying to get her attention and tell her something. At the moment his words were a blur, mostly because she was focusing on polishing. 

Link, on the other hand, was having great difficulty. He was trying to put words together in his head, but whenever he said them, they came out wrong. Thus he constantly had to restate things.

Link was also afraid of Linda's reaction. It seemed as if she was taking things in stride. Yet the way she was polishing that sword and humming, it looked as if she was preparing it to take its next victim. Link checked his right hand. There it was, the mark signifying that he had the Triforce of Courage. Apparently it was merely courage to fight evil beings, not courage to stand up to a woman's wrath.

Linda stood and Link moved back slightly. She sheathed her sword, picked up her shield, and walked off calmly, as if Link was not even there.

The Hero of Time wondered about that, so he decided to do something truly courageous. He followed Linda, now bugging her about whether or not she was upset.

* * *

Dark glanced sideways at Oni. "Want to follow them?" 

"I wouldn't miss this for the world." They both came down from their high perch and began to stalk the pair of Link "twins."


	7. Advice Mishaps, Part 3

**Note: **This is short, but I decided it would do as an update. Then in a few days I can put up some more of what I had written, after which I'll suddenly run out of ideas. Go figure. Guess that means only two more chapters of this crazy nonsense unless I can come up with more ideas.

**Note 2: **Remember, give advice to Link only through e-mail, not through the review system. He'll appreciate it, and I might figure out a way to twist it to his disadvantage.

**Disclaimer: **Yes, Legend of Zelda belongs to me... in my dreams.

**Advice Mishaps, Part 3**

Oni swung, his sword arcing through the air. . . and through its target. He relished the sight of blood spattering in many directions and the sound of flesh being cut. This was the best feeling ever. Well, according to him.

Link came over, raising an eyebrow. "Why do you chop meat like this?"

Oni turned from the sliced deer, grinning. "It's the only way I can get sword practice these days. It shouldn't disturb you, does it, Hero of Time?"

"Nah."

"You look distracted," Oni mentioned as he continued slitting the deer into manageable pieces. "What's on your mind?"

"It's Linda. She hasn't been listening while I try to tell her that I don't care about her at all."

"Oh really? And who told you to do that?"

"...Dark."

Oni chuckled. "I think I can help you with your problem."

"Really? How?" Link looked up, only to see a sword coming for his neck. His reflexes kicked in and automatically his shield came up, the sword crashing against it. "What the heck was that about, Oni?"

"Catch her off guard," Oni said with a smirk. "Take her by surprise so that she would be too confused to remember to ignore you."

Link slowly lowered his shield. "I guess that would work-"

Suddenly Oni reached over and encircled his arm around Link's neck, nearly choking him in a headlock. "And if she still refuses to listen, pin her down. Force her to listen to you! Wrestle her into accepting what you have to say!"

Link coughed a little, causing Oni to let go of him. "I really don't like how you give advice."

"Hey, you're the one who asked for it."

"Are you sure this would work? How do you know so much about this in the first place?"

"I don't. Yet, the saying goes: beggars can't be choosers."

"Right..."


	8. Advice Mishaps, Part 4

**Note: **Wow, a record three reviews. Nice to see that many after an update. In order to celebrate I give this one, after which... I've run out of ideas. Next part might be last if ideas don't come to my mind in the middle of the night. I do have an unrelated one-shot I want to put up later.

**Note 2: **Link keeps checking his e-mail and hasn't found any - except for junk mail from Ruto, so if you want to give him some "relationship advice" send a message to my e-mail and I'll forward it along to him. He would absolutely love it.

**Note 3: **Some things _might_ not make sense but for the sake of the chapter, pretend they do.

**Disclaimer: **Check the previous parts. I get tired of repeating myself sometimes.

**Advice Mishaps, Part 4**

Linda picked up a towel and shouldered it. Afterwards she picked up some soap and shampoo. This will surely drive Link away, if only temporarily. Linda needed a shower anyway.

Link had his eyes closed. He was trying to elaborate on his earlier haphazard 'confession' of his disinterest, but at the moment he was too afraid of seeing Linda's reaction - hence the closed eyes. The only way he could still follow Linda around was by following the sound of her footsteps.

Linda headed out of her home, not paying attention at all to what Link was doing then, and proceeded to go to the Lost Woods. The shortcut to Lake Hyrule within that forest was perfect for baths, especially since Linda had installed a shower curtain there and plugged the shortcut last month. The reason she gave for stopping up the shortcut was that Ruto wouldn't be able to sneak in on Link, although in reality she just wanted to avoid trekking over to Zora's Domain for a little shower. The soap and shampoo she had were biodegradable (or at least that was what the label said) and thus wouldn't harm the environment.

Link kept his eyes closed, following every step Linda took. _'I have to make Linda understand,'_ he thought as he took a break from talking. _'Dark says if I don't make sure she understands clearly what I want to tell her, she will continue bugging me for the rest of my life. I'm not sure if I trust my shadow about this, but he knows more about this stuff than me. I hope.'_

Linda sighed as Link launched into another long speech. _'I'm nearly to the spring but Link isn't leaving! I can't tell him to go away, or even turn around and look at him - those are forms of attention. I don't want to give him any kind of attention, positive or negative; that'll just ruin the purpose of me ignoring him. So all I can do is pray to the goddesses that he will stop following me by the time I get there.'_

**Meanwhile...**

Dark peered from around a tree trunk, a mischievous glint in his red eyes. "Ooh, this will be fun."

Oni glanced at the completely blackened copy of Link with a raised eyebrow. "Oh? How so? It looks absolutely pathetic and sappy to me."

Dark clicked his tongue. "Oni, can't you see the potential in this? We can screw with their minds. Think of it as a game if you will."

"I only play war games."

"You're boring, you know that?" Dark said, glaring at Oni.

"Depends on how you look at it."

Dark returned to observing the romantically challenged duo, a thoughtful smile creeping to his face. _'That's fine. I can use this to my advantage all by myself.'_  
**  
**

**Back to the unlikely couple!**

Linda stepped into the shower curtains, passing into the spring. Link, hearing Linda step into water, opened his eyes and noticed what was going on. He swallowed hard, trying to think.

_'Is she pretending to be bathing just to ignore me? If that's the case then maybe... well, Oni's advice...'_

Link took a few steps back, then to Dark's delight, he leapt into the shower curtains. Linda shrieked. Link tried to talk some more. Linda's yells overpowered Link's voice. Suddenly Dark could hear a struggle, so he assumed Link was trying to follow the second half of Oni's advice - to pin her down and force her to listen to him. Linda continued to accuse Link of trying to take advantage of her and finally managed to propel Link outside of the curtains.

Link sped off like a shot.

Dark pounced in right after Link disappeared into the woods, and afterwards regretted it terribly.


	9. Advice Mishaps, Part 5

**Note: **Tomorrow's my birthday (Nov 19), so I decided to update a really, really long chapter compared to all the others. Technically this is the last one, but if you check the story called _Advice Mishaps_ then you will find a new, final chapter.

**Note 2: **Link never got any e-mails so he's stuck with what he's got in this chapter. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Zelda or McDonald's. Nor croissants. Yum.

**Advice Mishaps, Part 5**

Linda was still upset about the "encounter" several days afterwards. Link tried to apologize but every time he approached her, she would run off somewhere. This put Link into an ever more confused state as he attempted to think about what to do next. Unfortunately, the Hero of Time - despite rescuing the princess more than once - had _no_ clue how to deal with women. The only thing he could think of to do was to gather advice... again. The past few days suggested against it however.

He sat on a stump, completely stumped, head in his hands, mumbling to himself a promise to never get married. The sun shone down on the miserable man, who seemed to be the only one with problems amidst the fun, happy day the Kokiri were always having. 

Dark, with a pink umbrella shading his head, casually walked over to Link. He had noticed Link's distress and figured that this was the perfect time to offer some more advice - the kind of advice that would give him opportunity to grab Linda for himself. "Hey, hero! This is too nice a day for you to be gloomy," Dark greeted.

Link looked up slightly, noting a certain pink object. "Why do you have an umbrella? It isn't raining."

"With your mood, it might as well be. Actually, I'm keeping myself out of the sun. Don't you know all black is the worst color to be in the summer?"

"I thought you can't get hot. You're just a shadow."

Dark seemed to visibly droop at the shadow comment. "That's not the point."

"And why pink?"

"I borrowed it from Princess Peach?"

"Oh wait," Link said, remembering Dark's cross-dressing phase. "Never mind, I figured it out."

"You had something bothering you when I came over. What was it?"

"Could you put away that silly umbrella first?" Link was staring at it, disgusted as he was by the pink thing.

"But I'll roast."

"That's the least of your worries. Get rid of it."

Dark shrugged, closed the umbrella, and tossed it backwards. "There." He sat down beside Link's stump. "Rupee for your thoughts."

**Meanwhile...**

The umbrella flew through the air and somehow managed to shoot into Deku's snout. It plugged the mouth (or whatever it is) completely, so Deku flailed about, waving his hands and trying to speak. He tried to pull the umbrella out to know avail; it was lodged firmly in the snout. 

Zora watched Deku's antics, quite amused. "Looks like your dirty mouth finally got what was coming," he commented, referring to Deku's habit of cursing often.

The short scrub turned to glare at Zora, then charged. The fish-person leapt up and ran away, somehow imagining that he could be impaled by the umbrella handle.

**Returning to Dark and Link...**

The original Link detailed the whole mess he had created merely by taking advice from two specific individuals. He mentioned that he wanted to straighten things out but had no clue how to go about doing so. He did not want to lose Linda's friendship but at the same time he did not want to imply that he wanted to have a deeper relationship. 

When Link finished showering his current problem to Dark, he stated, "Not that you could do anything about it."

"Actually, I think I have an idea what you could do."

"Dark... last time I took advice from you, it ended in a disaster."

"No, Oni's advice was the one that caused the problem. Mine would've worked if Linda wasn't ignoring you."

Link considered this. It seemed true enough. If he hadn't taken Oni's advice and tried to force the truth on Linda despite her apparently bathing, then things might not have turned as badly as they did. Dark's advice didn't seem to cause any problems of note. "Fine. What do you suggest?"

"Have Zelda take care of the problem."

"What can she do?"

Dark rolled his eyes, although it was hard to see. It seemed that Dark merely widened his red eyes and tilted his head up slightly. It unnerved Link that there appeared to be no pupils, and sometimes he imagined that Dark could move the glowing red spots around. _'Eyes on the back of the head indeed.'_

"Come on Link, don't play dumb with me. I know you're smarter than that."

"I'm being serious. I don't see how that snob of a princess can help me."

"Follow me on this. You want Linda to leave you alone, right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"So you want a restraining order put on her."

"A what?"

"Something that orders her to stop harassing you. Now, who's the only person powerful enough to order anybody to do anything... or in this case, _not_ to do something?"Link brightened a little as the concept dawned on him. "Princess Zelda."

"Exactly! Just head over there and ask her to order Linda to leave you alone - basically, you're going to ask her to put a restraining order on Linda. Problem solved."

"Um, Dark? Problem. Would this affect our friendship?"

Dark thought fast; he really wanted to convince Link that this idea was perfect. "Not really. Linda would be upset for a few days but she'll be fine with it eventually. It'll just keep her from messing with you, that's all."

Link nodded. The whole thing seemed reasonable. "Alright. Next time Zelda calls me over, I'm going to do what you say."

Right on cue, as if she could hear them from her lofty castle, Zelda's voice rang out Link's name. It conveyed a sense of urgency.

Link stood and casually looked over in Zelda's direction. "Coming, coming..." he said as he headed out of Kokiri Forest, looking as if he was about to go sight-seeing rather than princess rescuing.

Dark smirked as he watched Link leave. _'Perfect! When Zelda orders Linda to have no interactions with Link, I can take her easier. Then I can continue to manipulate this until... well, she's mine. Perfect.'_

The shadow stood and turned, noting the chaos in the background. Deku had finally managed to take the offending pink umbrella out of his mouth and was proceeding to beat Zora with it. Kokiri were gathered around as Oni yelled at Deku suggestions on how else to use the umbrella for punishment.

Junior shook his head and sighed as he watched the scrub. "At least this time it's not Oni doing the beating."

**About an hour later...**

Or perhaps two, Link sauntered into Zelda's throne room and found it empty. Shrugging, he started to stroll throughout the castle, searching for Zelda, sure that there was no real emergency. He followed the sound of her voice whenever she yelled his name, which was practically every minute or so. Eventually he discovered that she was one of several conference rooms in the castle, looking quite miffed at having to wait for so long. Several sheets of paper were spread before Zelda, and a few plates of some snacks were also on the table. Prince Zeldon of Lorule was sitting next to her, holding a document and staring wide-eyed at a third presence in the room. Link noted that Ganondorf was within the room as well, and he appeared to be just as impatient as the princess. Link waved at all three and asked, "So what's the emergency?"

Ganondorf gawked at the question. "I'm _standing here_ and you ask a silly question like _that_?" he roared, wondering what had gotten into the hero.

Link nodded. "Yeah, you're standing there. Not kidnapping anyone yet, or threatening to blow up Hyrule, or... whatever you have in mind."

"Take over Hyrule. Why would I blow up a country I want to take over?"

"It's something different than the same old thing over and over. Gosh you're so uncreative." Thinking that was the end of that, Link turned to Zelda. "What are you doing?"

"Negotiating a peace treaty," Zeldon answered before Zelda could say anything.

"If you don't mind, I'm talking to my princess here. Butt out, boy."

Zeldon half-rose out of his chair. "How _dare_ you talk to a prince-!"

"So Zelda, a peace treaty huh? I thought we already had one," Link continued, ignoring the irate prince.

"Not really, just an understanding that we weren't going to invade one another until a treaty was made," Zelda responded while trying to pull Zeldon back into his chair.

"Oh, that makes sense. Anyway I wanted to ask you something-"

"_Hello?_ Evil dark sorceror over here? Could do horrible things in the next few seconds!" Ganondorf yelled.

"You stay out of this too. I'm trying to have a conversation here!" Link snapped back.

"You're the goody two-shoes Hero of Time! You're supposed to stop danger!"

The green-clad Hylian, instead of responding, merely turned and resumed his talk with Zelda. "Anyway, where were we before I was so _rudely_ interrupted?"

"You were about to ask me something," Zelda said as Zeldon leapt out of his chair.

"I will not stand for being disrespected in such a manner! I am a _prince_ for Zephyr's sake!"

"Hush! Me and princess talking here!" Link huffed. "Gosh what's this world coming to where people interrupt others' talks?"

"So what were you going to ask me Link?"

"It's about me and Linda. You see-"

Ganondorf snatched Zeldon by the back of his overly elaborate robe and drew his sword. "Hey, pay attention to me! I'm about to slit this guy's throat!"

Zeldon started yelling obscenities at everyone in the room plus a few others while Link continued. "She seems to be bothering me a lot lately, especially for attention I don't want to give, you know what I mean?"

Impa and her male Lorulian counterpart, Imp, jumped at Ganondorf as Zelda nodded. "So she's smitten with you like every other girl in this country?"

"She's insane about me, apparently, and I can't stand it anymore!" Link yelled as Imp wrestled Zeldon from Ganondorf's grasp. Impa took away his sword.

Zelda sighed, "I knew it."

"Well of course. You've got that Triforce."

Ganondorf's Triforce of Power at that moment seemed to finally kick into effect as he snatched Zeldon back, tossing Imp into the wall - and making quite a large dent. Impa took the opportunity to stab at Ganondorf with the sorceror's own sword.

"Yeah, the Triforce of Wisdom. Thank Nayru I have it - I don't know what I could have done without it. Being nearly omniscient comes in handy sometimes."

"Easy for you to say. Having almost no fear seems to tick Oni off."

Impa sailed right over Link and Zelda's heads, casting a shadow over them for barely a second. The Kokiri-wannabe frowned, "You better call the electrician. I think your lights flickered for a second there."

Imp didn't seem fazed at his spine contacting the wall at high speeds, since he charged at Ganondorf again. Zelda, fully aware of what was going on, chuckled. "Um, sure. I'll do that."

Ganondorf used Zeldon as a weapon, swinging him at Imp to ward him off. Impa leapt over the conference table, determined to not be left out.

"So you've got an issue with Linda having a strong romantic interest in you. What do you want me to do about it?"

"Hey, you're the 'omni-scent' one. You should know."

"It's _omniscient_, Link."

"Whatever, same thing no matter how you pronounce it."

Ganondorf's sword sliced into Impa's arm with enough force to make her slide to the other side of the room. Luckily (or unluckily?) the room's floor was recently waxed in preparation for the conference, so Impa slid easily. Imp bulldozed into Ganondorf, pushing them both towards the window.

"Yes it does matter. By any rate, my omnisciency does not include mind-reading."

"I thought you knew everything."

"Not everything, just almost everything."

"How much is _almost_ everything?"

"I can't tell you that!"

"So that's another thing you don't know then?"

"More like you can't measure it!"

"Don't argue; just admit it. You don't know exactly how much you know and don't know."

"Fine, let's leave it at that," Zelda stated as she heard her window shatter into millions of pieces.

Link heard it as well, as evidenced by his next statement: "I think you'll need to call someone to fix that too."

Zelda smiled, "I'll do that after you tell me what you want me to do."

Ganondorf hung by one hand from the windowsill as he held Zeldon with the other. He started to chuckle as he looked downwards to locate Imp. The chuckle stopped as soon as it started because he discovered that Imp was two floors below him and already climbing up to the next one. Ganondorf uttered a curse. The Lorulian Gerudo was coming in quickly, so the Hylian one would have to act fast.

Link meanwhile seemed oblivious to it all. "Alright, Dark told me that you can order Linda to- Uh, Impa? Shouldn't you get that arm looked at?"

Impa staggered to the windowsill, holding her blood-soaked arm with her hand in an attempt to cover the wound. "I must do my duty, even if it's the prince of another land."

"Okay, have fun!" Link said, turning back towards Zelda. The princess wasn't so happy with the prospect, however.

"Impa, go get your arm fixed _now_!" she ordered, but was a tad too late. Zeldon went flying back through the window and into Impa. They slid across the waxed floor out the still open conference door. Ganondorf was now free to use both hands to get onto the windowsill but by then Imp had latched firmly onto his pants. Ganondorf growled and tried to shake off the pest, yet Imp kept climbing up the villian, determined to reach the window first.

Zelda watched Impa slide out of the door. "I hope she'll get that arm examined. Looks like it'll need stitches."

"Stitches hurt like crazy. I once had to get some after rescuing you that one time, remember Zelda?"

"Oh yeah. You complained for days afterwards and kept using them as an excuse not to run me a few errands."

"It's not an excuse. There was real, legitimate pain involved!"

"And a real, legitimate disrespect for authority was involved also," Zelda flatly stated.

"Disrespect? I would never disrespect anybody of authority."

During this nonsensical yapping, Zeldon and Impa continued sliding and went down a flight of stairs. At the bottom Impa hit the floor first so Zeldon landed on her. The prince blinked and looked about. "Well," he commented, "I never actually _rode_ a woman before."

Impa coughed. "I would have a few choice words for you right now if I didn't have self-control. Now could you please get off?"

Zeldon apparently didn't hear her. "Wow what a ride! It was a little rough and scary at first but smooth sailing after that!"

Impa had no choice (in her mind) but to endure his weight and his continued monologue.

Back in the conference room, the princess of Hyrule tried to bring her conversation with Link back on track. "Anyway, I am to order Linda to do something. What is it?"

"Oh yeah. I want her to- hey, what are these?"

"Croissants," Zelda answered. "Try some."

"Don't mind if I do," Link replied as he bit into one. "Hey these aren't half bad."

"Don't talk with your mouth full. Didn't your mother ever teach you that?"

"No mother."

"Oops. Forgot."

At that time Ganondorf crashed into the table, breaking it in half. Several plates of food along with dozens of papers scattered around the room - one croissant went out the busted window. Link and Zelda, having noticed Ganondorf coming in from the corner of their eyes, had wisely moved away from the table before it cracked. Imp stood on the windowsill, the bright sunlight illuminating him from behind as he panted from the effort of not only climbing but also throwing. He hopped down and walked over to Ganondorf, who remained unmoving. Imp brought forth a stick out of nowhere and began to poke the King of Evil with it to determine his status.

"About Linda," Zelda patiently said.

"Oh, oh yeah." Link swallowed the remains of the croissant. "Could you tell her to leave me alone? At least, for a little while? A guy's gotta get his space every now and then."

"Sure, I can do that."

"You're a lifesaver, Zelda!"

"I never thought you'd ever say that to me."

"You sure don't know a whole lot then, since you didn't know I'd say that."

"It's not like I can see into the future willingly. I just get visions out of the blue!"

"Hey, why don't you try to get a vision right now about what I'm having for dinner? If it's some of Dark's cooking again I'm gonna stop by McDonald's before going home."

"Link, I told you a second ago that I can't call visions up anytime like Ganondorf could raise the dead any day he felt like it!"

On cue, the infamous villian opened his eyes and grabbed at Imp's throat with one fist, lifting him off the ground as he rose from the wrecked table. "I am getting tired of you, little worm," Ganondorf intoned as his other fist became engulfed in furious purple flames. "Gerudo or not, you will die!"

Imp closed his eyes and waited for the blow, since he could do nothing now except pray to the goddesses.

The blow never came.

Imp dropped to the ground, gasping for desperately needed oxygen as Ganondorf turned to see who dared strike him from behind.

It was Linda, and she was _far_ from happy. Link and Zelda had fallen silent when the female version of the Hero of Time entered the room at full speed, Biggoron Daggers in each hand.

Ganondorf and Linda, both of whom utilized dark energy, stared at one another for what seemed to be an eternity. Ganondorf was the first to break the silence.

"That didn't hurt."

"Stuff it. You mess with Zeldon, you mess with _me_," Linda growled, ready to strike again when an opportunity arises.

"Why does everyone have an attitude today? First Zelda tries to order me out of this castle, then Link tells me to shut up and now you, the little girly Link. Why did you come here anyway?"

"I had a feeling to come here, then when Zeldon told me about you trying to kill him..."

"Oh I wasn't trying to kill him. I was trying to get a hold of Link's attention. He was ignoring me."

Linda was taken completely by surprise at this statement. She gave Link a quick curious glance before returning her attention to Ganondorf. "I know the feeling."

Zelda's voice cut through the air between the two. "Alright kiddies, break it up. Linda, I want to talk to you. Come here."

The woman didn't move. She stared at Ganondorf, daring him to make a move, any move.

Zelda sighed and rubbed her forehead in frustration. "Ganondorf, could you tell her you won't attack her while her guard is down? I want to get this overwith."

Ganondorf nodded and gave Linda a strange little smile. "Alright, I swear I won't hit you while you're not looking, okay?"

Linda backed away towards Zelda, then when she was satisfied with the distance she turned to face the princess. "What now?"

"Oh not much. I merely wanted to banish you from the country forever, that's all."

It took a full three-and-a-half minutes before the statement registered completely in Link, Linda, and Ganondorf's minds. "_WHAT?_" they shouted simultaneously.

Linda took the query a step further. "What for? I didn't do anything wrong! ...At least in this country I haven't!"

"You are a threat to the well-being of Hyrule nonetheless. You terrorized Lorule and can as easily do so here. I never did like the idea of you coming into my country claiming to be a changed person, because you never did renounce the darkness within you. You still are able to use the Dark Arrows and that concerns me, because that means you are treading the fine line between good and evil and are leaning towards Ganondorf's side. I cannot allow two villians to be in this area. These reasons in themselves were not good enough to kick you out however so I watched you for any sign of treachery. Now Link has complained to me about you, and that is enough for me. You are hereby banished from this country, Linda, never to return."

Ganondorf smirked. This was turning out to be quite an interesting circus for him.

Link gawked still. He was attempting to put together how all this came about from his simple request.

Imp, unaware of the events transpiring around him, praised the goddesses for his ability to breathe.

Impa was being tended to by the royal physician.

Zeldon was with her, wincing at the stitches. "Those gotta hurt."

Zelda was content now that her duty was done.

Linda was _outraged_. The sentences she said afterwards were littered almost every other word with every curse word invented. To paraphrase her speech, she accused Zelda of bias against Lorule plus a number of conspiracy theories, defended herself in saying that there was absolutely no reason for any complaint from Link, claimed that she knew nothing about renouncing the dark energy she had, pointed out Ganondorf as the real threat who should be banished, and declared revenge on everyone in the room - excluding Imp.

Ganondorf couldn't resist pointing out one flaw. "I was officially banished once. I violated that by coming back in because frankly, I don't care what the princess says."

Linda snatched Ganondorf's sword and slammed it onto the ground with all the force she could muster, snapping two-thirds of the blade off. She picked up the blade and threw it at Ganondorf. "Take that (bleep) and shove it up your (bleep)!" she yelled.

Ganondorf looked at it. "That would _hurt_."

Linda twitched. Zelda looked to see Link cowering behind herself, fearful of his doppelganger's anger. Link peeked out to make one remark: "Linda, I didn't really complain. I just asked Zelda to-"

"Wait, so you _asked_ for this? That's it, _you will die first_!" Linda thundered as she leapt out of the broken window, unwilling to hear any more.

Zelda nudged Link, who was actually whimpering with fear. "Look on the bright side. She didn't kill you yet."

Ganondorf agreed. "I'm actually looking forward to seeing her again. It'll probably be fun."

Zelda pointed at the window while glaring at the Gerudo King. Ganondorf headed to it, mumbling, "Fine I'll go..." as he jumped out.

Later that day, Link shuffled into his room. Dark bounced over to him, carrying a plate of unrecognizable brownies. "Hey, Link! How'd it go? Did it work?" he asked cheerily.

"Yeah it did."

"YES!" Dark cheered.

Link drooped a little more. "A little too well."

Dark's happiness fled immediately, replaced by concern for his thought-out plan. "Wait, what do you mean by that?"

"She's gone, Dark. Zelda banished her."

The plate crashed to the floor and Dark slid to his knees. "No! My chances with Linda are ruined!" he cried out in a very cliche fashion.

Link eyed him. "Are you saying... that all this advice you've been giving me... was all a _trick_ to get you together with Linda?" he stated in monotone.

"To tell the truth, yep. But now that it fell through the cracks... no hard feelings right mate?"

Outside, Oni perked up at the sound of a blood-curdling scream. Dark sped out of the treehouse with Link directly behind him. Oni noted the murderous look in Link's eyes and figured out that Link was finally displaying the hot temper and accompanying bloodlust from which Oni's own personality sprang. Oni's version was much stronger of course. The demigod observed Dark's frantic attempts at eluding the Hero of Time and stated only one observation:

"Isn't that usually _me_ doing that?"


	10. The Talk

**Note**: It had to happen one day... remember that "Junior" is Young Link, and his "dad" is the adult Link.

**Note 2**: The past five chapters have been moved to a story by itself, obviously titled _Advice Mishaps_. Now for the rest of the insane chapters to this random, plotless collection of nonsensical storytelling, pretend the past five chapters never happened. I am only refusing to delete them because I don't want to mess up the review system.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Link or Young Link or phoenixes or dragons or unicorns or whatever else pops up in here. Only the screwed up story itself.

**The Talk**

A question poked in the back of Junior's mind as he played marbles with the other Kokiri children. Granted, the marbles they used were actually semi-rounded pebbles which did not roll very well, but they sufficed for the moment. It was Mido's turn, so he took a pretty large pebble (compared to the others) and rolled it like a bowling ball. Of course, Kokiri didn't know how to play correctly. The others started to argue whether Mido's technique was fair or not and what to do about it.

Junior stepped back a little as the question thrust itself to the forefront of the young Link's mind. Mido immediately noticed the slight movement and eyed the kid. "Where do you think you're going, squirt?" he asked, halting Junior in his tracks.

"I gotta go ask Dad something..." Junior responded hesitantly.

"If you leave now you gotta forfeit. That means a month of chores for me!"

Junior gulped, then looked at the other Kokiri. They were too busy arguing about Mido's play. So without any sort of help - Oni was away hunting - Junior had to concede to Mido's demands. "Fine. A month isn't too long," he said, turning around and walking off to find his adoptive father.

Mido raised an eyebrow. "Looks like he finally is starting to get a backbone, huh? Ha ha! I'll see about that."

Junior searched about for Link, finding him at home. He was laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling. Junior looked up there and saw nothing, so he first asked a different question: "What are you looking at?"

"The stars," Link immediately responded.

"There are none. It's the middle of the day."

"I know. But if I try watching the stars during the night, Linda will find out somehow and try to cozy up to me. So this is the only time I can stargaze."

Link's reasoning made no sense to Junior, but he shrugged it off since he felt there was a more important question to ask. "Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Where do kids like me come from?"

Link sat up. "Didn't I tell you already? I was riding through the woods and I found-"

"No, that's not what I mean. Where did the Kokiri come from?"

"The Deku Tree, with the help of the goddesses-"

"No!" Junior shouted, cutting Link off a second time. "Whenever I go through the marketplace I see people carrying babies all over the place. Where do THEY come from?"

Link paused. Fact was, Link had never been given "the talk" either. He just knew that women were too much trouble, because one minute they were snuggling up and the next minute they were bloated and soon afterwards would come another bundle of trouble. At least, babies were trouble to Link. He saw them whining and crying endlessly in the marketplace, with the mothers looking stressed.

Thus Link was stumped. He never bothered to ask Zelda or any other woman including Linda, because who knows how they would respond. This was particularly problematic considering that most - if not all - girls have an interest in Link, and asking a question like that could cause problems. Asking one of the guys might not work either. Oni would probably have a gory, war-like way of explaining things. Dark potentially would tell some long-winded far-too-detailed tale. Link didn't think Goron or Zora or Deku would know since they were not Hylian.

Even if anyone knew, it was too late to ask. Junior was staring at him, eager to know. So Link felt placed between a rock and a hard place, between his own lack of knowledge and his wish to fulfill Junior's curiousity. Link coughed a little, cleared his throat, got an idea, and began. "You know how there always has to be a guy and a girl right?"

"Uh-huh..."

"So they live together and all is good with the world. They have to wait until Easter first."

"Why Easter? What does the day the goddesses created the world have to do with anything?"

"Hush Junior and you'll find out. You see, that's the day the Easter Egg Hunt is conducted. So the happy little couple goes to find a special egg on that day. When they find the egg - Junior, sit down. This might take a while to explain."

The kid immediately plopped down beside his adoptive father. "Go on!"

"Okay, when they find the egg, they take it home and put it under the girl's pillow."

"Why the girl's pillow? Why not the guy's?"

"Um... because girls always get the eggs," Link hastily explained. In actuality he just wanted to blame the girl. "Anyway, at night an egg fairy goes to them."

"I thought there was a tooth fairy."

"And there's also an egg fairy. So she looks at the egg and finds out whether or not it's a dragon egg, because every year dragons get robbed by... uh... _phoenixes_, and those phoenixes hide them in different places where the dragons can't find them but Hylians can."

"Wow! I thought phoenixes were good."

"Most of them are. Some aren't that good, because they like to pick on dragons," Link continued to lie.

"But why?"

"Because they're jealous. They keep hardboiling their own eggs, and that's why they keep rising from their own ashes. Else they'd die out."

"Oh. But isn't there just one though?"

"Um, you were lied to."

Junior left that be. "So the egg fairy figures out there's a dragon egg under the pillow. Now what?"

"Don't rush me." Link quickly calculated the next thread to the yarn he was spinning. "Okay, now the egg fairy takes the egg back to the dragon parents, who are really grateful. The dragons go to the goddesses and ask that they create a special baby for those who found their eggs. Now the goddesses can take their time about making the baby since sometimes they have tons of requests or other things to do, so that's why not everyone gets a baby fast."

"How do the baby get to them? And why do the women sometimes get fat and stuff?"

"One at a time, Junior. I'm getting around to that. The egg fairy had planted a seed in the girl's stomach."

"A... seed? How?" Junior was getting perplexed.

"You know the belly button we all have? It's a spot to plant a seed, but only egg fairies can plant one, and only women are fertile enough to let the seeds grow."

"So what kind of seed is it?"

"A watermelon."

Junior's jaw dropped. "No wonder they get so big."

Link nodded, concentrating hard on making up his story. "I'm gonna tell why later. Anyway, the goddesses take their time making the baby, and meanwhile the watermelon grows. So when the time is right, the goddesses give the baby to the dragons to take to the parents at night. The guy and girl thank the dragon for giving them such a nice gift, the dragons tell them it's a present for finding the egg, and they live happily ever after."

"But... what happened to the watermelon?"

"Oh, that." Link's mind was blank. He had no idea why the fruit was needed. "Uh... the unicorns. They need more than grass to survive."

"Wow." Junior hopped off the bed. "Thanks, Dad! Oh, one more question. Why do they need both a guy and a girl? It seems like the girl does all the work."

"Because kids, in order to grow up right, need at least two parents. That's why the Kokiri never grow up - they have no parents."

"Cool! So on Easter, you're gonna go egg-hunting with Linda?"

Link gulped. "Um, no. Linda and I weren't planning on that... yet."

Junior sighed, looking down. "Oh. I always wanted a little brother." He shuffled his way out of the room, and Link was struck by a sense of guilt.

'Maybe... no! Linda isn't- We couldn't- I guess a little egg hunt wouldn't hurt. It's not real right?'

Outside, Linda found an egg. "Hmm... looks like a dragon egg..."

Meanwhile, Mido snatched Junior's arm. "Alright, you're gonna do some heavy-duty chores right now!"

Junior glared at Mido, suddenly thinking that enough was enough. He immediately punched Mido and wound up in a huge brawl with more than one Kokiri. Oni merely cheered him on from the sidelines.

When later questioned by Link on why he didn't help, Oni shrugged and answered, "Kid's got to defend himself someday, right?"

* * *

**End! I thought it was funny... did you?**  



	11. If Only

**Note**: One-shot piece I came up with right after waking up one morning. I started this enthusiastically around the beginning of January. I finally got around to finishing it, without as much enthusiasm, so things might seem rushed and not as great towards the end. I'm not as good at writing anything other than comedy, so don't expect much.

**Note 2**: No, it's never what you think...

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Zelda, Mario, nor Peter Pan (and anything related to them). I also don't own Final Fantasy 7 - I sold that one to Rhino.

**If Only**

"Will you marry me?"

Linda was shocked. She wanted this to happen, yet she knew it couldn't. Or could it? After all, here was Link on one knee, looking up at her in anticipation of her answer.

Linda glanced about to confirm what had happened in the past few minutes. Yes, they were in the Lost Woods. Link had asked to come here, because what he had in mind was too important - too secret to let anyone else know about it. Not yet, anyway. Linda looked back at Link, who seemed to be getting worried about her lack of response. He was there, as real as he could ever be.

This _had_ to be a dream.

_'Why? Why? Why?'_ Linda's mind raced with possibilities, reasons that this can't be true. _'Link never wanted to show interest in me. Was he playing with me the whole time?'_

Her mind swirled with more thoughts, more reasoning, but I'm sure you the reader are not interested.

Link's resolve faltered. He stood and took Linda's hands in his, trying not to look at her directly, whether out of embarrassment or sadness Linda could not tell. Link spoke, but his voice seemed to be far away.

"I'm sorry. Don't tell anyone about this, okay? I've always liked you, but I never thought it could work out. I decided today to find out if it would work or not... but it seems like it will never be. Keep the ring - if anyone asks you about it, say that Dark gave it to you or something."

Linda watched, horrified. If this was a dream, it had become a nightmare. After all, in her dreams Link stayed put until the proposal was accepted. Then again, she always knew when it was a dream, so she would accept wholeheartedly, right away.

Then this _couldn't_ be a dream, could it?

Linda walked slowly out of the Lost Woods, staring at her hands within which resided the ring. She could hear the woods echo Link's request:_ Don't tell anyone about this._

Linda continued to walk slowly towards her home. She could hear the Kokiri playing ever so joyfully in the equally joyful sunlight. Junior was probably among them. The sound of rocks being crushed most definitely came from Goron. Two people were having a mock fight - from the sound of it, Zora and Oni. Maybe it wasn't a mock fight after all.

This was, in every way you look at it, an ordinary day. Except, this wasn't an ordinary day.

Or was it a dream?

Linda quickened her pace. She strode into her house and shoved the ring into a drawer, hoping to never see it again. She breathed a sigh of relief to have rid herself of it for now. Maybe she can relax now and clear her head. She then turned to see Deku standing in the door.

"What you got there?" Deku asked, somehow managing to look as if he was eyeing the drawer.

Linda opened her mouth to answer, but just as quickly, her mind bounced about Link's voice: _Don't tell anyone about this._ "Nothing important."

"If it isn't important, then I can see what it is, right?"

"Why do you want to know?"

Deku padded closer to her. "You looked like you were in a hurry, and you were even holding it in both hands and staring at it. So it had to be small enough to fit into your hands, yet big enough to scare you. Can I see it?"

Linda started to mentally curse Link, mainly about his giving her the ring and then telling her to tell nobody about it. Deku stared at her with mischievious curiousity as Linda slowly began to consider the situation and the possibilities.

_'I can make sure he never sees it, maybe convince him that it is not as important as he thinks it is. Yet, he will tell everyone that I'm hiding something in my drawer - then somebody might sneak in here to check when I'm not around. That would mean carrying that ring wherever I go, and I really don't want to do that._

'_I can show him the ring, and tell him that truth - Link proposed, and told me to keep it when I didn't answer... but I was told not to tell. I don't think I can trust him to keep a secret either._

_'I can show him the ring, but do what Link said. I can say it was from Dark. Yet Deku can go and ask Dark personally, and find out that something's wrong when Dark denies it. If I tried to fix things by telling Dark about this ring, then he will ask too. I can't trust Dark with secrets either._

_'Maybe say it was from Dark, but it's a secret so don't tell?_'

Link's voice broke through her thoughts: _Don't tell anyone about this._

"Fine, you can see it," Linda finally said, opening the drawer and taking out the ring. The gold reflected the light streaming in from the window brilliantly, glinting in vicious glee.

"Oh, is that it? Guess that means Link finally worked up his nerve and proposed to you," Deku said casually. Yet there seemed to be something behind his words - a hidden motive, one which signaled that perhaps he didn't know as much as he was pretending to know.

Linda caught herself before making a grave mistake, biting back the obvious '_How did you know?_' She was smarter than that; she was trained better than that. As a Lorulian Sheikah, it was ingrained within her to keep secrets in case of capture and failed suicide attempts. One of the things beat into her when she was young was to never give any clues to the captor - and asking '_How did you know?_' was one of the biggest no-no's.

"Nope, it was Dark who proposed. I rejected him immediately, but he told me to keep the ring anyway," Linda answered just as casually. "I wanted to get the thing out of my sight as fast as possible, since leaving it in the woods wasn't an option. After all, I can pawn it later."

"You're always after quick profits. I bet Dark would be heartbroken to know you pawned off his ring."

"Nah. I'm going to keep it here until he forgot about it, then sell it."

"I doubt anyone would easily forget something as important - and expensive - as an engagement ring rejected."

Linda acknowledged the truth of this statement in her mind. She couldn't predict how Link was going to react to seeing her again (ringless, especially). Life had a way of being unpredictable and of turning things about in a completely unexpected way.

But if this was a dream...

Linda placed the ring back in her drawer and managed to convince Deku that there was nothing else to see. He waddled out in satisfaction. Linda was promptly struck with a recurring thought: What if Deku tried to ask Dark? The Lorulian couldn't risk that, so she followed the little wooden... thing.

Time seemed to fly. The sun raced overhead as if it was being pulled along by panicked horses. The sky darkened as the sun dipped below the horizon and all within the Kokiri Forest prepared to sleep.

Linda couldn't sleep. She had followed Deku the entire time and he didn't do anything suspicious. Dark and Link were strangely missing. Link might have run off to talk to Epona or his pet lizard-dragon, Lizzie. Dark might have followed him. As for Zora and Oni, the latter had won the fight (what did you expect?).

Linda paced within Kokiri Village, but this didn't help her insomnia. She was too restless to sleep. After a while of pacing, Linda decided to have a change of scenery, so she sauntered into the Lost Woods.

The trees swayed softly as a breeze rustled their leaves, the thin branches, the grass. The moon and starlight filtered through the treetops, lightly illuminating the area in a soft glow. It was as if the entire forest was asleep. This caused Linda to step ever the more softly, as if she feared to disturb the peace that entwined every tree, every blade of grass, and even the sole wanderer in its midst.

As if by fate or by unconcious choice, Linda arrived at the clearing where Link had supposedly proposed to her. She still could not comprehend it; she still denied it. No, no, it couldn't have happened. She stepped once, twice towards the spot she had stood at when Link dipped to his knee. Apparently her steps aroused a firefly - it launched into the air, glowing. It circled Linda as it glowed, sometimes close to her, sometimes a bit further away. Nevertheless it constantly circled and glowed.

Linda took a few more steps, stirring up several more fireflies. They circled like the first one, some in the same direction and others in a different direction. She ended up standing exactly where she was when Link presented the ring. It was as if the woods had burst forth in a flurry of life. Fireflies swirled about her in a display unlike any she had seen before. Nocturnal insect calls echoed amongst the trees, making it seem as if the trees and the light show were singing to her, reassuring her.

Linda awoke the next morning and found herself sleeping in the grass. The day was quite young with the colorful sky attesting to the sunrise. Linda sat up, looking about herself. A mist had formed along the ground, sweeping over the green grass and slipping about each tree trunk. The mood seemed to have shifted overnight. Linda looked to her left and found a flower there, resting beside her. She picked it up, curious about where it came from - or who put it there.

_Don't tell anyone about this._

Linda jumped as a voice, one that sounded remarkably like Link and yet was not Link, echoed about her. It seemed to come from nowhere yet everywhere at once. Maybe it was just in her mind.

_Don't tell anyone._

Like an echo, it seemed the sentence grew shorter with each repetition. She dropped the flower and stood, calling out, "Link?"

_Don't tell._

Linda started to protest. "But I..."

_Don't._

That was enough for Linda. She raced out of the woods as fast as she could possibly go. She was so intent on getting as far away as possible from the forest that she did not notice Dark standing at the entrance until it was too late.

Linda, upon collision, propelled Dark over the fence behind him. They dropped the short distance to the ground, giving Linda just enough time to ensure that Dark would take the brunt of the impact. Dark grunted as his back met the unyielding earth, and his front absorbed the weight of the female Link. Linda rolled off of him and leaped back to her feet. Both turned to observe how the other fared.

Dark, with his red eyes seeming to smile at Linda, asked, "What was the rush? I could've broken my back like this."

"First off, you're spineless."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Depends on who you're asking."

"You didn't answer my initial question though - why were you running like you were being chased by a horde of malicious cuccos?"

Linda was somewhat surprised. That voice in the woods sounded like it could be heard by anyone nearby. She was about to ask if he had heard it also, but her Sheikah training slapped her for wanting to ask such a thing. "That forest of yours is creepy, that's all. Very different from the woods I know."

Dark laughed - kinda strange to see because he had no perceptible mouth. What you could see was his eyes disappearing, the head bobbing up and down, and the sound of laughter streaming from the vicinity of his head. "You get used to it. I know I did, and it's not because I'm a shadow."

This again surprised Linda. Dark never, as far as she knew, liked to refer to himself as a shadow. He always objected to anyone referring to him as one, especially within the phrase "Link's shadow." Had he finally accepted who he was... or was something else going on? Dark was hard to figure out, since he was constantly switching identities in order to find one that fit him. His little phases were erratic and sometimes downright strange, but Linda always managed to ignore them. Yet what kind of a phase would allow him to accept his destiny, his purpose in creation?

"Something the matter, Linda? You look like you've seen a Poe." One of Dark's red eyes was visibly larger than the other, denoting a quizzical expression.

"N-nothing," Linda stammered, backing up a little. "Have you seen Deku?"

"Not today. I think he went back home."

Linda considered this. Deku's home was the Deku Palace, since he had married the princess there. The palace stood in the swamp of Termina, thus it would take a little while for any word of "Dark's ring" to reach Hyrule. Right? Linda figured that the secret of the ring was still safe with her, for now. She turned and saw Link standing there, watching them.

"You two alright?" he asked. The green-clad Hylian was holding a pink leash attached to an equally pink collar that encircled Lizzie's neck.

Linda was speechless, but Dark answered for both of them. "We're fine."

"Great!" Link thrust his end of the leash forward towards Linda. "Could you look after Lizzie for me? I have to go on some epic quest to find the perfect lipstick for Zelda."

Linda immediately found her voice. "Wait, what?"

"Royal orders. She ran out of her favorite kind of lipstick and wants me to go fetch some for her."

Dark chuckled. "Why don't you take Lizzie with you then?"

"She's teething. I think she's going to get big dragon teeth, right Lizzie?"

"Yizzie get dragon teeth!" responded the lizard that was not quite a dragon.

"So I don't want her chewing on random mushroom people, since I'm going to head off to Mushroom Kingdom to buy the lipstick. Keep an eye on her, Linda."

Dark laughed at the mental picture he had gotten of Lizzie chomping on mushroom people. At the same time, Linda took the leash from Link and watched dumbfounded as he walked off, practically whistling a happy tune.

"Yinda okay?"

"Huh?" Linda shook her head a little to clear it. "Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go Lizzie." She pulled the pet reptile towards her home.

Maybe... Link popped the question yesterday knowing that Linda wouldn't accept. With that confirmed, he could be free to live out life knowing that he was practically marraige-free.

Or this was a seriously weird dream, nightmare, whatever.

'_One way to find out,_' Linda thought as she pulled the ring out of the drawer. She slipped it into a bag on her belt. _'Dreams often allow you at least some control. I should be able to sell this accursed thing easily.'_

Linda turned about, now in a much better mood. Unfortunately, her mood dropped as quickly as it had risen. Lizzie was gnawing on her dresser! The lizard ground her sore teeth onto the wood, chips scattering out of her mouth onto the floor. Linda immediately began to yell at the offending animal, causing Lizzie to cringe and attempt a quick getaway - one that was foiled by the leash. Fortunately, Oni appeared at the door to see what the commotion was about.

When asked about the yelling, Linda pointed emphatically at her dresser, explaining what had happened in a very Cid-like fashion.

Oni offered to take the poor draconic lizard off Linda's hands. "Kids are here, so watch your language next time," Oni stated calmly. He left with Lizzie in tow.

Linda sat on her bed, trying to calm her nerves by thinking about something else. For some reason, her mind turned to an analysis of Oni's actions. Linda knew that Lizzie was well-loved by Oni, so he could have physically attacked Linda for verbally attacking Lizzie. Yet he didn't. Was it for the kids' sake? He didn't seem to care about them when it comes to handling Mido. Maybe he knew better than to argue with an already angry woman? Or was there a different reason?

Linda rubbed her forehead. This ring was driving her crazy. Now it seemed like she wanted to suspect everyone of having secret motives. Yet it was Link who did the proposing, Link who gave the golden ring, Link who seemed quite nonchalant about yesterday.

_Don't tell anyone about this._

The words echoed in her mind. Yes, it was definitely Link's voice.

Linda stood up. She had to get rid of the ring, so she made her way towards the entrance (and thus exit) of Kokiri Forest. She noticed Oni sitting on a log, watching Lizzie chew it happily. Junior was sitting among other Kokiri, listening to Zora playing on his guitar and singing a song or two. One Kokiri sat on a rock that moved suddenly; it was Goron taking a nap.

Linda stepped across the bridge, exiting the forest that was practically Neverland. She sprinted across the expansive field separating Kokiri Forest from the town and entered the marketplace.

Women bustled about as they picked out what to have for dinner. Since Hyrule was a medieval country, women were the ones usually sent to do the shopping, cooking, etc. There were very few exceptions to this rule - for example, Honey and Darling go shopping together. Sometimes they would forget what they were shopping for, so they would end up twirling about each other all day long and even into the night. Link was another exception.

Women are well-known for gossiping. The marketplace was a breeding ground for rumors, allowing them to flourish and spread like wildfire across the country. Various wives gathered in groups here and there, whispering all kinds of secrets to each other no matter how reliable the source. More reputations became tarnished here than anywhere else in Hyrule.

Linda strolled in, trying to remember where a pawn shop could be located. She spotted a woman swiveling her head to look at her, then leaning to a woman beside her. The second one turned to eye Linda as well. It was mere moments before every woman in the marketplace had turned to see the red-clad female.

"Isn't it sad?"

Linda frowned. Did she hear what she thought she did? It sounded like something one of the women said. Suddenly she was surrounded by short phrases, all of them running into each other and jumbling into a huge mess.

"How could she?"

"The poor dear."

"...Never did have a heart."

"...Finally could find happiness..."

Linda didn't hear much more. She quickly found - and escaped inside - the pawn shop. Her panic turned to rage when she discovered Deku standing at the counter, struggling to peek over it and talk to the pawn shop owner. Linda pointed at him, yelling, "YOU!"

Deku fell over backwards with a traditional Deku yelp. "What, what? I didn't do anything! You can't convict me without evidence!"

"Have you told anything to the townspeople?"

"I didn't mention anything about no ring! Well... maybe a little."

"Like _what_?"

"Um, like... you flat out rejecting Link, then snatching his ring for pawning later?"

Time seemed to slow down as the information sank in, then quickened as Linda lunged at the tiny tree-like figure, then slowed again as the pawn shop owner threw her out for threatening a customer. The women of the marketplace swarmed around her, leaving her no chance to escape their biting remarks and stinging looks. Linda fought through the tight crowd while mentally beating back the unwanted comments. She virtually flew out of the marketplace out into the open field, where nature appeared to be oblivious to the recent events.

Time blurs; a day passes seemingly in the blink of an eye. Linda blinks awake on her bed. She sits up, trying to remember what happened in the past day but it escapes her. She rushes to the drawer and pulls it open, only to be dismayed at the sight of the golden ring. She picks it up, thinking about what the women had said at the marketplace. Deku had spread a lie but the comments seemed to ring true. Maybe Linda should accept - since she never rejected the proposal in the first place.

Linda closed her hand over the ring, making a firm decision. She turned towards the door and found a piece of paper had been pushed under it. She picked it up and read it:

"I'll be waiting in the Lost Woods, if you want to find me. -Link"

This enticed Linda to act quickly, before she could change her mind. She threw open the door and dashed around to the forest that had spooked her earlier. Linda swung left and right among the trees as she approached the spot where Link stood once again, smiling.

Linda threw herself into Link's arms, declaring, "Yes! Yes, I'll marry you, Link!"

Then she noticed something strange. As she pulled back to looked at the still-smiling Link, he seemed to grow darker. Even his mood seemed to darken. Linda frowned in concern as she noticed that his hair had turned brown.

"Link, what's going on?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Linda noticed with horror that Link was holding her tightly. His hair darkened to black, his clothes did the same, and the skin was following. As his features blurred into the darkness and his eyes became a familiar red glow, "Link" smiled even broader, saying, "I've finally got you now."

Suddenly the scene disappeared as Linda sat up once again on her bed, sweating. She looked about herself; all was quiet. Moonlight streamed in from a window. She rushed to the drawer - no ring. She looked at her hand - no ring.

It was all a dream, wasn't it?

Linda breathed a sigh of relief as she turned to look out of the window, where all was quiet and still. Nothing was out of the ordinary, or so it seemed. She could not return to sleep unfortunately, so the entire night was spent in restless pacing and thinking. The sun eventually peeked over the horizon and cast back the dark night sky with its accompanying moon and stars. Linda watched as the sky burst forth into an array of colors for a moment, then quickly settle into a cloudless blue. After all, this was Hyrule - a country where the sun moved at a rapid pace. Linda observed the Kokiri children coming out of their homes to play once again with boundless energy. This caused her to smile until she spotted two distinct figures near to the Lost Woods.

Link and Dark.

They were talking, about what Linda could not tell. Lizzie stood beside Link with a pink collar on her, leash attached. There was only one way to find out what Link and Dark were discussing. As the female Link opened her door, she reassured herself that it was all a dream. She approached to the pair of Links, who stopped their conversation when they spotted her coming over.

Linda looked at Link and asked, "What're you two talking about?"

"Nothing really," Dark immediately responded.

"I didn't ask you," Linda snapped.

Link smiled. "We were just talking about you, actually."

"...About me?"

"Yeah. We thought you could take care of Lizzie for a while. I think she's going to get big dragon teeth!"

Dark eyed Linda, although it was hard to tell that he did so. "Did you get any sleep last night? You look tired."

"No I didn't. I had a crazy nightmare or something."

Dark looked at Link, then back at Linda. He chuckled and patted Linda on the shoulder, saying, "Whatever you say, sweetie."

The "twins" watched as Dark turned and hopped down to join the children in their usual games. Linda managed to calm herself down when Link placed Lizzie's leash in her hand. He smiled, winked at Linda, then ran into the Lost Woods, leaving a confused woman behind.

Linda noticed that her hat was no longer on her head, so she looked down instead of following her look-alike. She found the dragon-lizard chewing on the hat. All of the confusion and frustration bubbled to the surface, so she threw a fit that scared even Oni.

* * *

**End Note**: Draw your own conclusions. Was this a dream, and what did Dark or Link have to do with it all? Oh, and by the way - this entire thing _never happened_. 


End file.
